Hypocrite. I am a Hypocrite.

I've made quite a situation for myself last night. Celebrating a friend's birthday, I got a little tipsy and I had my phone with me. Not a good idea.

So I drunk-dialed several people, including one person who I've kind of fancied (only in the slightest and silliest of ways), and I've realized that 1) he does not have my number, which means he would not realize that it is me who is calling, and 2) he is a hard worker who will require lots of sleep, therefore calling him in the middle of the night would be kind of rude. Then, because of the effect alcohol has on my judgmental capacities, I decided to call the guy that I'm seeing and tell him all about my drunk-dialing adventures. As expected, he was not pleased. He has told me before that he has a temper, but a long fuse, which meant that any time he would stop talking would mean that I should be taking cover. I am taking cover right now, but there's so much guilt in this that I don't know if I should be hiding or allowing him to rip me to shreads as I deserve.

Here's the worst part of the situation: I've told him repeatedly that I hate players, mind games, and emotional fuckwittage. Infidelity to me is irresponsibility and a failure to honor one's self-worth and integrity. Similarly, mind games and emotional fuckwittage is something that is extremely time-consuming and wasteful, but apparently I've killed all three birds with one quick assassin call. I'm a hypocrite, the worst sinner there is.

I know my actions were immature, especially when I knew very well when I chose to drink that I would be out of control. What's horrible is that he gave me that trust of maturity when he extended his hand to me. I should've fought to kept his trust and maintain my end of the deal (although many would object to the way I just described our relationship). I should've reciprocated the same emotional support and maturity he had given me. Perhaps this shows that I am not mature enough to be in a relationship, especially not with such a wonderful person like him. I can only worry about whether or not he can find someone who truly deserves him, unlike myself. Of course, many would cry out "self pity!" when I say things like this, but I am serious when I say that he is a wonderful person who could offer much to the world.

At the same time, I hope that this is more of a small squirmish than anything else. I'm sure he'll understand and perhaps even forgive my foolishness. But at the same time, I realize that despite my rather stoic and Capricorn image, I'm very childish, and that is what bothers me the most about this experience--that I have the capacity to become my own nightmare, even though I claim austerity. I am a hypocrite. I only hope that I've become *truly* sober.